Journal entry, 22 September 2000

Mabon, 22 September 2000

Post doctoral blues

Well, the last month has been one hell of a ride. Since finishing my doctorate, I've been in a kind of convulsion, dealing with a lot of emotional backlash. Just about every relationship I have has been stressed one way or another. The biggest effort has been confronting my parents and siblings about my childhood abuse, which has taken a lot out of me, and it's nowhere near done yet. This is a big piece of internal work, and I'll try to write more about it some other time.

Soundstage 7 asked me to take back my sound mixer because they didn't need it any more, which I was happy to do, but they have also been using my microphones and octave doubler, so I asked them should I take those too, or did they want to buy them from me. No answer, and I've asked several times now, over the course of six weeks. Do they not believe I paid for them, or what? It seems like they're trying for a pocket veto, hoping I'll just forget about it. How annoying.

Janet, the condo co-owner who lives downstairs from me, has never been easy to get along with, but the latest episode was really rough. She caught me at my door, which I've told her I don't like, after moving my bicycle to block my doorway (apparently to slow me down enough to catch me). She was wanting a blank check for some repair work for the condo, and using that abrupt tone that makes it sound like a demand. I wanted assurance that the work would be completed before the worker got paid, since we've had trouble with contractors before. She interpreted this as me distrusting her, and went off on a long tirade of accusations and insults. It's impossible to reason with her in this state. She weaves anything I do into a fabric of persecution and paranoia, and she interrupts anything I try to say before I can get two words out, which really drives me up the wall. I've been irritated with her before, but this was the first time I was scared, she was acting so nuts.

After that, I was shaking, I was so upset. I drove to Lee's hoping I could calm down, and went swimming and snorkeling for a while. Returning from the beach, I did a double take, because there was a huge willow tree lying across the yard, that hadn't been there before! I had walked right under this tree, only a few minutes before it fell, and it surely would have killed anyone underneath it. Woosh! So I spent the rest of the day lopping branches, sawing up the limbs with a chainsaw, and splitting the logs with a maul. Good cathartic destruction.

Upsides

I did have fun at Dance New England's Summer Camp and hiking the Franconia Ridge Trail, click to read these pages.

I've started the process of job hunting, which is exciting. A couple of interviews so far, not sure what I'll end up with, but it should be an interesting process.